We’ll just skip over all the excuses about how abysmal I’ve been at blogging in 2011, ok? It’s embarrassing, frankly.
But I wanted to direct anyone who hasn’t completely given up on me to this phenomenal story in the New York Times:
The Last Iron Man.
This article reduced me to tears in my cubicle. Straight up. I realized that I had been avoiding this blog, you all, and my mission because I was trying to force myself to accept my limitations. I was trying to force myself to accept that my athletic pursuits could only ever be therapeutic—never for leisure or pure pleasure. I’ve been trying to accept that I should give up on ever running, riding a bike, or learning to box. I was trying to be content to embrace fitness merely to maintain function and stay strong. And I was failing, miserably. The envy was just about killing me—watching other people run their first 5K after a month of training, take up rock climbing for the heck of it, or embark on a century ride because they can.
Reading about this dude, I am deeply ashamed of myself. Seriously Bee? You’re going to complain about the limits other people put on you while erecting huge stumbling blocks for yourself? So you won’t ever be able to do things as easily as many people. Big freaking deal. Since when has that stopped you? Get over yourself already. Your way has–by necessity—never been other people’s way. And your way has gotten you pretty far in the world. It’s not been the easiest way, or the most elegant way, but you got here didn’t you?
Do yourself a favor, wait until you actually *hit* the roadblock before stopping, ok? Limits are for pushing, defying and generally ignoring. . .New training regimen as of Monday—complacency is off the menu.
Despite the fact that most fitness experts will tell you that long-haul cardio is generally a waste of time, I often put in one or two hour+ sessions a week. My body seems to like repetitive motion, a lot. After an hour on the eliptical, the stationary bicycle, or the treadmill, the spastic muscles in my legs have generally given up the ghost and walking home feels more like gliding.The last three days were pretty amazing, physically speaking—as is usually the case immediately following my botox injections. And, as per usual, today some new aches and pains have cropped up. I’ve learned that for me, this is 100% normal—my posture is shifting thanks to an additional stick in my right hip and some muscles that haven’t been working are being recruited to keep me upright. So they’re a bit pissed. This time, instead of freaking out, crying and sending PTE a panicked email, I just went to the gym. I canceled my planned lifting session and just did some steady-state cardio for an hour or so.
There’s something about repetitive, low-impact cardio that clears my head, makes me feel sane, enlightened, capable. When I want to think and think constructively, the gym is where I go. I’ve said here before that my new goal for this blog is to encourage other people–no matter what their struggles are– to become involved in, and invested in physical fitness. But I’m going to admit right now that I feel like I’ve hit a mental stumbling block. I’ve been feeling discouraged and like it might be a fruitless endeavor. . .or some sort of self-congratulatory exercise. So I went to the gym to think on it. Read more…
I’ve been really quiet for the last 7 or 8 weeks. I’ve logged into this blog a number of times to begin a post, only to abandon it half-way through. I’ve abandoned these drafts not because I haven’t had anything to say, but because I’ve had a hard time saying something cohesive and coherent. I’ve been doing a lot of research on cerebral palsy and exercise, putting my mad librarian skills to good use, and making good friends with PubMed. So far, I’ve found more articles than I expected to find but fare fewer than the incidence of CP in the population (2-3 out of every 1000 live births) would indicate their should be. Still I’m gratified to find out that there are some folks working in the field who care about this issue and are working hard to change the way CP is treated and managed.
Read more…
So the first year of this project–which is about to come to an end–was all about me. For good or ill it was an exercise in navel-gazing, self-study, and self-scrutiny. It was a year spent isolating and building muscles, learning new skills, and relearning old ones—including how to walk in a more efficient and less painful way. It was about getting to know myself again—without the psychological and physiological static of chronic pain—and becoming acquainted with the person I always hoped I could be. There’s been a lot of hard work, some of it physical, but much of it emotional and psychological. It was a year spent exorcising some demons, confronting others, and making friends with a few more.
It’s been an awesome and inspiring experience–taking control of my life and learning to find joy in it again. For me the pursuit of physical fitness has absolutely been the means of empowerment And in year two, it’s my goal to share this experience with as many people as possible—starting with people like me and moving on from there. I’ve got it in my head (and my heart) to bring the fitness bug to folks have been traditionally disenfranchised from fitness culture.
Read more…
I’m still in a funk, my back still hurts. I’m still really angry about it. But at least I’ve stopped crying in frustration each time I think about it. So today, I’m determined to be a little less pissed off—or at least to spend less time thinking about how pissed off I am.
Last week the Washington Post ran a stellar series on traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) among soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan: Coming Home a Different Person. You should check it out, if you missed it. There’s also a fascinating description of how damage to different parts of the brain affects not only mobility and other physical functions, but also mood regulation, decision-making, etc. I don’t know, there’s something about understanding the exact part of my brain that’s damaged that I find intriguing—in a “know thy enemy” kind of way. The graphics here are really cool.
Read more…
So one month into the Fierceness Campaign, and I’ve been averaging about 5 workouts a week (2-3 days weight training and small-time cardio, 2-3 days serious cardio). Here’s where we started on August 17, 2010:
Weight: 132 lbs
Body fat: 25.9%
Pounds of Body Fat: 34.1 lbs
Lean Body Mass: 97.9 lbs
Here’s what we’ve got after week 4:
Weight: 126.8 lbs
Body fat: 23.6%
Pounds of Body Fat: 29. 9
Lean Body Mass: 96.8 lbs
Weight loss: 5.2 lbs
Body fat: -2.3%
Fat loss: 4.3 lbs
It’s been kind of awesome, frankly. Read more…
As we all know, I’m an over-achiever. I credit a lot of my success in these treatments to this trait, which makes me maniacally compliant about physical therapy assignments. Unfortunately, it also makes me notoriously, irrationally impatient to make progress, which makes me a pain in the ass. I always want to know when I can: get this brace off /try a new exercise /walk a little further /go back to the gym, etc. After I fractured my leg I started begging to be taken off bed-rest only a week into my 8-week sentence.I ditched my crutches so many times in the kitchen that my roommate wanted to beat me over the head with them.
So I’ve been to the nutritionist once, and haven’t even received marching orders, and already I’m raring to go. I’ve come up with a few ground rules that I’m hoping will keep me sane and on track.
Read more…
At the outset of this blog and this project, my primary goal was to eradicate daily pain from my life, and get as much increased flexibility and mobility as the Botox would allow. Although we haven’t quite got it licked yet, I’d say we’re really really close. I’m hopeful that the next round of injections, which will include two new muscles, will get rid of the pain completely (fingers crossed). So now I’m on to phase two, which is the Fierceness Campaign. This campaign is about more than dropping some body fat and building some muscle. Really what it’s about is about becoming truly proud of my body, what it does, and what it looks like.
Read more…
I’ve successfully put in two days of solid cardio at the gym, and man, do I feel better. Much less wobbly, more fluid, and more centered–physically and emotionally. I’ve even managed to ditch the finger splint. I still almost made the toddler at the next table cry at brunch today, when he saw my rug-burned shoulder and started saying: “Boo boo! Boo boo! But all in all, I’m looking less like the walking wounded than earlier in the week. So we’ll put one in the win column for this weekend. I’m hoping that by Wednesday I’ll be able to make a fist comfortably and can get back to work on the weight-training.
On my new fierceness campaign, I’ve decided to call for reinforcements and am bringing a nutritionist onto my team. While I’ve succeeded in keeping off the 50lbs, there’s still some excess baggage hanging around my middle that needs to go. I’m not someone who does things by halves. In the past when I’ve wanted to ditch the last of the weight, I’ve often gone off the deep-end as far as diet is concerned—which lasts anywhere from three days to a few weeks. During that period–whether I’ve gone off meat, or fat, or carbs or booze, or all of the above–I’m a colossal pain in the ass. And in general, no matter what, the scale moves little, if at all, and I get discouraged.
Read more…
Erm, ok. I really don’t have a good excuse for not having shown up here for most of the summer. I could say I was traveling–which is true–or that I was busy with out-of-town guests–also true–but neither of these is a good excuse for being a negligent blogger. This time I have to cop to something even worse: July was a fairly light workout month. In the past month I’ve probably averaged about 2 workouts a week, far less than I should be getting. I was out of town or I was recovering from being out of town. It was 975 degrees outside. The list of lame potential excuses goes on.
Although the last round of injections solved a majority of my back problems (whoot!), my balance has really taken a hit. This isn’t so much because of what we treated with a wallop–the adductors–but what we had to leave alone as a result. My solei–the calf muscles predominantly responsible for helping maintain balance–are very, very angry. They’re contracting in seriously inappropriate ways at massively inappropriate times, pitching me forward and sending me into spontaneous face-plants. I’ve fallen three times in the last month, far more than usual. Last week I was standing still and I fell over! It was classy. I ended up with rug-burn on my chin and shoulder, and sprained my ring finger. I’ve begun telling people that I’ve taken up motor-cross in my spare time. That’s far more entertaining, and less embarrassing than: “Yeah, I was standing in my office and spontaneously fell over.”
Read more…