I’ve seriously been falling down on the job with this blog. At first I took a bit of a mental vacation and then a physical one. My lengthy hiatus from blogging is the result of a number of factors: workout inconveniences, an injury, and a new focus on mind training as well as body. Of course, none of these constitute a good excuse.
Despite the fact that most fitness experts will tell you that long-haul cardio is generally a waste of time, I often put in one or two hour+ sessions a week. My body seems to like repetitive motion, a lot. After an hour on the eliptical, the stationary bicycle, or the treadmill, the spastic muscles in my legs have generally given up the ghost and walking home feels more like gliding.The last three days were pretty amazing, physically speaking—as is usually the case immediately following my botox injections. And, as per usual, today some new aches and pains have cropped up. I’ve learned that for me, this is 100% normal—my posture is shifting thanks to an additional stick in my right hip and some muscles that haven’t been working are being recruited to keep me upright. So they’re a bit pissed. This time, instead of freaking out, crying and sending PTE a panicked email, I just went to the gym. I canceled my planned lifting session and just did some steady-state cardio for an hour or so.
There’s something about repetitive, low-impact cardio that clears my head, makes me feel sane, enlightened, capable. When I want to think and think constructively, the gym is where I go. I’ve said here before that my new goal for this blog is to encourage other people–no matter what their struggles are– to become involved in, and invested in physical fitness. But I’m going to admit right now that I feel like I’ve hit a mental stumbling block. I’ve been feeling discouraged and like it might be a fruitless endeavor. . .or some sort of self-congratulatory exercise. So I went to the gym to think on it. Read more…
So I’m still going through my contemplative quiet time—yeah, I know, ME quiet? Something must be out of sync in the universe. I have about three volume settings: not-so loud, let-me-make-sure-everybody-noticed-me loud, and yeah-just-try-to-ignore-me-I-dare-you loud. This is particularly true if I’ve got a bee in my bonnet about something—and clearly I’ve got a swarm going about CP, fitness, access to care, etc. Actually, truth be told I’m spending this time using my mad librarian skills to build a bibliography. It’s a list of studies and resources on CP research (particularly CP and exercise), disability and obesity, barriers to fitness/patient treatment compliance, and muscle growth in folks with brain injuries. So I promise I haven’t abandoned this blog or this project. And of course, my personal fitness quest continues, as do the Botox treatments—I feel great for the most part, I’ve got zero acute pain 99% of the time. Some days I feel so grateful it hurts—and I spontaneously burst into tears.
I’ve been really quiet for the last 7 or 8 weeks. I’ve logged into this blog a number of times to begin a post, only to abandon it half-way through. I’ve abandoned these drafts not because I haven’t had anything to say, but because I’ve had a hard time saying something cohesive and coherent. I’ve been doing a lot of research on cerebral palsy and exercise, putting my mad librarian skills to good use, and making good friends with PubMed. So far, I’ve found more articles than I expected to find but fare fewer than the incidence of CP in the population (2-3 out of every 1000 live births) would indicate their should be. Still I’m gratified to find out that there are some folks working in the field who care about this issue and are working hard to change the way CP is treated and managed.
I had an entirely different post planned for today. It was victory post about how well I’m doing and how proud I am of my progress thus far.But it’s being pre-empted by a moron I met on my way home.
On the walk home from a party this evening I was reminded that no matter how much work I put in to this endeavor, no matter how much progress I make, I will always be perceived as different from other people. And there will always be some people who will consider me inferior because my body does not work like or look like theirs.
So the first year of this project–which is about to come to an end–was all about me. For good or ill it was an exercise in navel-gazing, self-study, and self-scrutiny. It was a year spent isolating and building muscles, learning new skills, and relearning old ones—including how to walk in a more efficient and less painful way. It was about getting to know myself again—without the psychological and physiological static of chronic pain—and becoming acquainted with the person I always hoped I could be. There’s been a lot of hard work, some of it physical, but much of it emotional and psychological. It was a year spent exorcising some demons, confronting others, and making friends with a few more.
It’s been an awesome and inspiring experience–taking control of my life and learning to find joy in it again. For me the pursuit of physical fitness has absolutely been the means of empowerment And in year two, it’s my goal to share this experience with as many people as possible—starting with people like me and moving on from there. I’ve got it in my head (and my heart) to bring the fitness bug to folks have been traditionally disenfranchised from fitness culture.
Read more…
Just a quick note to say: apparently I’ve still got it, I’m still kicking it. According to my osteopath and PTE, the pain I was experiencing was likely a direct result of increased range of motion in both hips. Boo-ya! Normal standing posture—no lordosis, or increased curvature of the lumbar spine—for the first time ever! Boo-ya! What I was feeling was not the old wonkiness settling in my SI joint, but a new and different weirdness, thanks to progress. . .my friend progress, how I’ve missed you so!
Moral of the story: Sometimes even the best boxers end up hanging on the ropes. So even if you’re feeling more like the punching bag today, remember that tomorrow you can come back swinging.
I’m trying not to think of yesterday as getting off track. Maybe it’s more like sitting down on the side of the road–or more like wallowing in a ditch on the side of the road. I felt like it was important to share yesterday’s despondent moment, least you all get the impression that I’m always cheerful, always positive, and always constructive in the way I handle the challenges in my life. I’m not and I don’t. Some days I’m angry and can’t see straight. Some days I’m just tired and not feeling up to any challenge at all. And I think that’s ok. No one is brave or valiant or tenacious all the time. Like all muscles, I think your tenacity muscle grows when it’s at rest. In the moments you let it be quiet and still. And long-term success–and growth–I think, is determined by your ability to cut yourself a break and recognize those days that you’re just not ready for battle.
Last week, I was having a boxer week. I was right hooking, left hooking and jabbing, landing punches everywhere–I went to PT, I had virtually no pain, I was cleared to jog for the first time in six years. I wrote the “never-give-in” post you can read below.
This week I’m definitely feeling like the bag: tired, beat to hell, and ready to give up. And I’m angry. I’m angry because, I hurt and I don’t know why. Read more…
Now that I’m getting a handle on my physical being, I’ve got some other messes to clean up. Since the physical pain factor has been mitigated to a great extent–I’m terrified to say that it’s completely gone, because my body has a habit of doing weird things to spite me. But Botox, Round Four happened this week—including a light slap for my psoas which I think might have tamed the last of the SI joint pain! Jury still out a little as things shift. . .but I definitely feel better. So with that out of the way I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the emotional barriers that keep me from making progress in my life. In particular I’ve been thinking a lot about the thought patterns and behaviors that unleash torrents of unhappiness, inhibiting our ability to change and optimize our lives.